How to Choose Yourself in a Relationship — When They Won’t Choose You

Learning how to choose yourself in a relationship becomes even harder when you’re still in love — but the other person keeps choosing everything but you.

I guess for you to understand what I mean, I gotta reach out more.

In the last two and a half years since we’ve been living in Switzerland — which was only supposed to be a one-year project — I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t going to be happy here.

We’re living in a small village of 500 people.

Before that, we lived in Berlin, London, Paris, Los Angeles.

And I’m a city person.

I need people.

I’m a mental health coach. I create websites. And I’ve done it old school.

At the end, I am a 52-year-old guy — so for me to gain clients was always about walking the dog, going to a dog park, talking to people, creating work, having my interactions that way — or going to cafés and meeting people there — and just generally being around people that are like-minded.

Sadly, this does not happen here.

This culture is very, very different from all the other eight countries I’ve experienced so far.

There are simply no people around.

So my mental state has decreased tremendously.

I feel like my brain is dying out because I literally have no more people around me — and this has now been going on for two and a half years.

Furthermore, my income has completely broken down.

I literally can’t take care of myself anymore, which is the first time — besides my parents — that I’ve ever been dependent on anybody else in my whole life.

And all of this is very visible.

I’m very easy to read — you can see when I’m happy, and you can definitely see when I’m not.

I don’t hide.

I can hardly lie.

So my husband has been observing this.

We’ve had endless amounts of conversations, and he simply doesn’t want to budge.

He loves it here.

But at the same time, he also tells me he loves me.

But in the end, this is what it comes down to:

He can afford to stay here on his own.

Together, we can afford to live here — because my income simply isn’t enough.

So if he does not want to move, then that means I will have to move.

Because, like I said — to be consistent with ourselves here — and yet he cannot or doesn’t want to look at the bigger picture.

So of course, me as someone with a lot of abandonment issues (though I’ve worked through many of them), I feel like he’s choosing Switzerland — or his own personal need — over me.

And this hurts.

Because over the last 13 years, I have chosen him over my own personal needs, over and over.

And I’m not saying I regret that — I’m actually happy about it.

Because I’ve taken him out of the gutter and I’ve helped make something out of him.

But when I am vulnerable, he’s just simply not there.

And it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know how or if he can’t — then he should at least try to get help until he can.

He should be able to create a sentence where he states either:

“I love you, but I love Switzerland more. I’m happy here. This is finding my home.”

or

“Alek, I’ve been watching you now for two and a half years being miserable. I can see your finances going down, and I think it’s time for us to move.”

But he doesn’t.

Having him in my presence right now is very, very difficult.

Because I love him.

We have intimacy in the sense of cuddling — and you know that feeling when someone is coming home and you can’t wait for them to be around, even if not much is happening, not much talking is going on, or anything like that — but it’s still just simply nice for him to be around. To know he’s there.

And of course, let’s not forget that right now, in one way or another, I kind of need him financially.

Though I make some money and still have enough to just kind of take off — but then what?

I guess the main thing about all this is:

I don’t know how to be around him anymore.

Because my love for him is still there, but the resentment is getting bigger and bigger.

I’m thinking he’s just thinking about his own needs.

And this is something that he’s done since we’ve been together.

It doesn’t matter if it’s Peter Pan Syndrome or if it’s ADHD giving him a hard time creating solutions — the fact is that together, we can’t continue living here.

And yet he doesn’t want to make a decision.

And yet he doesn’t say what has to be stated.

So in my mind, I’ve made my decision.

I’m not trying to do a dramatic exit — because I know I might have to come back.

So I’m trying to do whatever I can to digitally raise my money, raise my income, create connections and networks — which is very, very hard for a man of 52 when I have to change my whole way of being.

But I’ll try.

And it’s going to be probably the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to undergo — and I’ve gone through a lot of stuff.

But at the same time:

How am I supposed to be with a guy who still gives me a kiss before he leaves for work and when he comes back?

Am I supposed to still pick him up from the gym?

Am I supposed to still shop for him?

Or am I supposed to just let go and simply say, “Take care of your own stuff”?

Do I also simply stop sharing my things and my thoughts?

Or do I have to completely let go and actually finish this marriage in my head and say:

“Someone who cannot see what’s good for us and just thinks about his own personal needs is not someone I want in my life.”

Can I actually translate that into reality?

Can my abandonment issues let me make that happen?

Or am I now supposed to just continue sitting around, waiting — probably another year — if I even have the energy, if my brain doesn’t continue dying because there’s no interaction here…

…until I hopefully get some good luck in my life which helps me raise my profile, raise my money, and finally take off?

Can I detach from him?

And furthermore — how am I supposed to be around him?

This is something I need to figure out.

If you’re in a similar situation, or you’ve been in the same one — let me know how you did it.

How did you do it without feeling like you were breaking your own moral code?

Without needing to continuously talk to someone and receive the same rejection again and again?

How did you let it go — and just take care of yourself anyway?

Anyway, guys — thank you.

Let me know what’s up.

Comment and subscribe.

Take care.

AlekMartin aka Whitetrashroyal.com